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What to Do When Your Teen Chooses Bad Friends
Anthony Kane
The Problem
Recently, a well known educator and speaker on parenting
issues made a list of all the difficult questions parents
had been asking him about their teens. He noticed that of
all the issues that are bothering parents, the number one
concern is what to do about bad friends. This question was
mentioned more than twice as often as the next most common
concern.
This educator then did a very interesting experiment. At
the time he was working with a number of troubled teens.
Many of these teens were estranged from their families.
Some of them had resolved their difficulties and were already
in the process of making peace with their parents.
He asked these teenagers, "What should I tell parents so that
their children won't have the problems you are having."
He asked their advice on a number of issues that parents were
finding difficult. In general, these teenagers had very good
advice. However, when he asked them what to do about the
number one issue that was troubling parents about their teens,
none of them had anything to say.
He then asked these teens what is was that got them in
trouble in the first place. The number one answer was bad
friends.
So the number one issue that worries parents about their
teens is bad friends. The number one cause of teens getting
into trouble is bad friends. And the answer that these teens
gave as to how to help parents deal with this issue was,
"There is nothing parents can do."
The Reasons
One reason that parents can't separate their child from a bad
friend is that the friend often has a stronger relationship.
When a child is young, his parents are the major influence in
his life. As children enter adolescence a change occurs. A
natural part of growing up is breaking away from parents and
making bonds with peers. This is normal. If the parent child
bond is healthy, children will eventually renew their ties with
their parents. This happens in the late teens or early twenties.
But throughout most of adolescence, a normal child is closer to
his friends than his family.
A second reason parents find it so difficult to separate
their teens from bad friends is that to put it simply you
can't take away what you can't replace. Parents cannot
replace their child's friends.
There is very little you can do to separate your child from
bad friends and bad influences once he reaches his teenage
years. However, there are a number of guidelines of what
not to do. If you follow these few principles, it will
help you ride out the storm and minimize the problems.
What You Can Do
Do Not Attack Your Child's Friends
If your child is running in a bad crowd, your hold on him is
loose or non-existent. The last thing you should do is to
acquire an enemy. If you make a personal attack on your
child's friend that is exactly what you are going to get, a
sworn enemy. This enemy will now be out to get you and he
very likely have more influence on your child than you.
It will not help to tell your child not to tell this friend.
If you trash your child's friend, this person will know about
it minutes to hours after the words leave your mouth. You
will have made an enemy for life, at a time when you need
every ally that you can get.
This does not mean you cannot criticize the behavior. It
is fair and reasonable to tell your child that you object
to the kinds of things his friend is doing. However, don't
make it a personal attack. Once you do that, you place
yourself in a battle that you are almost certain to lose.
Enlist Help
As part of growing up, your child is trying to break away
from you and forge his own path in life. This is normal.
However, this need to break away only involves you. It does
not involve other adults. This gives you an opportunity to
indirectly influence your child.
You should try to find an adult or a responsible older
teen that can foster a relationship with your child. It can
be a member of your extended family or someone in your
community. You can have this person keep contact with your
child and try to direct him whenever possible.
Your child will be confiding in someone. It is much better
if you can arrange that it is an adult or an older teen
whose judgment you trust. Most teens just confide in their
friends.
If your child is still young, you should take the opportunity
to try to set up a relationship with someone older while you
still have influence. I personally have set up several
adults for each of my teenage children. These are people my
children respect and, though I have not needed them yet, I
know that I can rely on them if things ever turn sour.
Here is an important point to remember. If your child is
confiding is a responsible adult, then you must be careful
not to pressure your this person to reveal what is being
discussed. You have the right to know some general answers
like if things are okay or if your child is going through a
rough time. But do not press for information. You may be
doing great harm to your child.
Get to Know Your Child's Friends
This is very bold advice, but it usually works well. You
should get to know your child's friends personally. A
number of good things may come out of this.
You may find out that the children with whom your child
associates are really not as bad as your initial impression.
The teen years are hard on everyone. All children have
difficulty. It is very possible you might find that your
child's friends are basically good kids who are going through
tough times.
Here is how you can do it. Pick an event, like your child's
birthday or the end of the school year or some other special
occasion. Tell your child that you want to take him and four
or five of his friends out to dinner to celebrate. Take them
to a restaurant. If you are going to be embarrassed by being
seen with them, take them somewhere away from your home. If
you live in Brooklyn, take them to a restaurant in Queens.
If you live on the Boston North Shore take them to a restaurant
on the South Shore. You don't have to embarrass yourself,
but you should be subtle about it. Your child shouldn't be
able to figure out that the reason you are driving 20 miles
away from your house is that you would rather be dead than
be caught seen with his friends.
Here is what you will gain:
1. You might find that you misjudged these children.
2. You will be giving your child the messages
that since they are his friends, you welcome them.
3. You will be giving your child's friends the
same message. Depending upon their own personal
situation you may be the only adult in their lives
that are treating them as people.
4. You will be acquiring four or five allies who are
in a very strong position to help you at a time
when you need it most.
The Advantage of Having Your Child's Friends as Allies
The first thing that you need to know is that children
have a very strong sense of right and wrong. They may be
doing the wrong thing, but they are well aware of it.
Now, picture this scenario. Your child is out with his
friends Saturday night doing what you would rather not know
about. It is 11:30 and you get a call on the phone. Your
child is having a great time and everyone is still here,
can he stay out until 2 am? You remind your child that he
has a 12:00 curfew and he has to be home. Your child says
a few choice things to you to and slams down the phone.
Now to whom does a teen complain when he is angry with his
parents? His friends. So after he hangs up he goes to his
friend and starts calling you every name in his somewhat
extensive vocabulary. Let's say that this friend is someone
you took out to dinner three weeks ago.
That person might just say to your child, "What's wrong with
you? Your mother is okay. Look, you know she's right. Why
are you giving her such an attitude?" This teen that you
just took out to dinner may send your child home before any
of the real trouble starts, all because you bought him dinner
and treated him like a person.
Now what would have happened if you had trashed this person?
Do you think he'd be so quick to take your side? That's the
advantage of making your child's friends allies instead of
enemies.
Conclusion
Your teen is going to pick his friends. There is very little
you can do at this age to influence his choices. However, if
you approach the problem with wisdom, there are a number of ways
you can indirectly influence your child and help him to stay
out of trouble.
Anthony Kane, MD
ADD ADHD Advances
http://addadhdadvances.com
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