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The Importance of Laughter and Tears
Margaret Paul, Ph.D.
Ron grew up in a household where laughter and tears were
never expressed. Anger was the main feeling expressed by his
mother, while his father was mostly withdrawn. By the time
Ron was eight years old, he had managed to shut off both his
laughter and his tears to avoid feeling rejected by his
parents and controlled by his mother. Shutting down was his
way of protecting against being invaded by his very
controlling mother. He became a serious child - a controlled
and controlling child.
Ron grew up, went to college, became a successful lawyer,
married and had three children. Yet nothing, not even his
deep love for his children, managed to break through his
rigid, controlling way of being.
Ron reached out for my help because he was not only very
unhappy, but was often in physical pain. All he could say
about the physical pain was that he hurt. "My body hurts. My
chest hurt, my stomach hurts, and my back hurts." He had
been thoroughly checked out by a physician and learned that
nothing was physically wrong. The doctor told him it was
stress.
Ron told me that he spent much of his non-working time
daydreaming because when he was present with himself in the
moment, all he felt was pain. He had learned to daydream to
avoid the pain.
However, Ron was now 48 years old, and the daydreaming was
no longer working well. The pain was breaking through,
especially in the form of debilitating back pain, so Ron
decided he needed some help.
The issue behind Ron's pain was that his primary intention
in his life was to control. He wanted to control how others
felt about him. He wanted to control how well his employees
worked. He wanted to control how his wife treated him, as
well as how well his children did in school. He particularly
wanted to have control over not feeling the pain of
rejection and the fear of engulfnment that he had felt so
much in his family.
Ron's control had worked for him to a certain extent. He was
financially successful. He had all the material things a
person could want – a beautiful home, a vacation home, a
boat, and all the electronics a person could ever use. He
had a wonderful family, and he had good health, other than
his pain. Yet he was often miserable.
The problem Ron was facing was that having control was far
more important to him than being a loving person with
himself and with others. As a result, Ron felt empty inside
and was constantly looking to others to fill him up. He had
no interest in taking responsibility for his own feelings –
his own pain and joy. He wanted others or things to make him
happy.
Imagine how a child would feel if you put him into a box and
told him he could never laugh or cry. This is what was
happening with Ron. His Inner Child – his feeling self – was
in a box, not allowed to laugh or cry. Laughter and tears
are our natural ways of releasing feelings. Without the
God-given gifts of laughter and tears, our feelings get
blocked up inside, eventually causing our muscles to go into
painful spasms. This is what was causing Ron's pain. He
could no longer put a lid on his feelings without feeling
physical pain.
It was a tough battle for Ron. At those moments when he let
go of control and opened his heart to love, the pain went
away. But his terror of being rejected or controlled was
generally more powerful than his desire to be loving with
himself and others, and he would close up in the face of his
fears. He feared that if he opened to his feelings, he would
be weak and would be seen as weak, which he feared would
lead to both rejection and engulfment.
Ron wanted something he could not have – the illusion of
safety that being so controlling gave to him, while not
suffering from the physical pain of being so controlling.
After much hard work, Ron finally saw that being loving to
himself by letting himself experience his laughter and tears
did not cause weakness, nor the rejection and engulfment he
feared. In fact, by being more aware of his feelings and
allowing himself to express them, Ron learned that he
actually felt safer and more powerful than when trying to
control everything.
Laughter and tears are great gifts that allow us to release
our feelings in healthy ways.
About The Author:
Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author and
co-author of eight books, including "Do I Have To Give Up Me
To Be Loved By You?" and "Healing Your Aloneness." She is
the co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding healing
process. Learn Inner Bonding now! Visit her web site for a
FREE Inner Bonding course: http://www.innerbonding.com or
mailto:margaret@.... Phone Sessions Available.
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Inside Health & Medicine |
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LET IT BEGIN WITH US: An essay on strength, comfort, and healing |
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The article is an essay on strength, comfort, and healing. Last week, I found grace. It was right there, alongside homemade brownies and a box of Legos. WHAT CAN WE DO? We've given blood, donated money, and raised our flags. We've hugged our kids and made an effort, at least, to return to normal life. This is something most of us have never had to face. We are sad. We are mad. We are scared.
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