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THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN APPROVAL AND APPRECIATION
Margaret Paul, Ph.D.
Having worked with individuals, couples, families and business
partners for 35 years, helping them learn to resolve conflict, I
have often been faced with the difficulties that occur when people
are confused about the difference between approval with
appreciation. Have you ever wondered about the difference
between approval and appreciation? Most of us have never
actually thought about it, yet if we do think about it, we realize that
we feel very differently when we receive approval as opposed to
receiving appreciation. There are good reasons for this.
Approval is something we give from a wounded, controlling part
of us. Approval is conditional upon the other person performing
in the way we want or expect. Approval is manipulative - that is,
we give it with an outcome in mind. We hope that the other
person will continue to do what we want as a result of the
approval.
Appreciation, on the other hand, is something we offer from a
whole loving place within - what I call the loving Adult. It comes
from the heart and is offered spontaneously as the heart wells
up with feelings of delight, awe, joy, or love regarding another's
way of being. Appreciation has much more to do with the
essence of a person rather than with performance. We are
appreciating a person's core Self, who they really are and the
results of who they are, rather than what they do and their
performance. With appreciation, there is no attachment to the
outcome, no expectation that the other should or will continue to
perform. Appreciation is a true gift.
Often, when someone says they want appreciation or do not feel
appreciated, what they are really seeking is approval. It is the
wounded part of them who is not feeling seen and appreciated
within - they are not seeing and appreciating themselves so they
need it from others to feel worthy. The wounded self of the
individual projects outward the inner need to be seen,
understood and appreciated and pulls from others to get this
need met. Whenever I hear someone say that they do not feel
appreciated, I know that their essence - their Inner Child - is not
being seen and loved by their own inner adult.
When we are giving ourselves the attention and appreciation that
we need and we then receive appreciation from others, it feels
wonderful but it is the icing on the cake, not the cake itself. When
it becomes the cake itself, then we need to look within and
recognize that we have handed over to others the job of defining
and validating our own worth and lovability.
When you share something about yourself with the intent of
getting approval, attention or appreciation, it doesn't feel like
sharing to other people. Instead they feel pulled at to validate
you. When you share something about yourself with the intent of
offering something to others, it feels like a gift. This is clearly
illustrated in the wonderful movie, Good Will Hunting. In this
movie the therapist, played by Robin Williams, shares much
personal information about himself with his client Will, an angry
and resistant young man. He shared it, not because he wanted
or needed anything back, but purely to help Will feel safe in
opening to his own pain.
We can all challenge ourselves to be aware of our intent when
we offer positive feedback to others - is it a true gift or does it
have strings attached? And we can challenge ourselves to be
aware of our intent when we share things about ourselves - are
we giving or trying to get? Giving to get doesn't feel good to
others who are at the other end of the pull, and getting what we
want from others feels good only for the moment, but is
ultimately tiring for us. It is tiring to always be trying to get from
others what we need to be giving to ourselves.
Giving appreciation and sharing ourselves from a loving heart,
with no need to get anything back, will always feel wonderful and
energizing to us and to others.
Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author and co-author of
eight books, including "Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By
You?", "Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By My Kids?",
"Healing Your Aloneness","Inner Bonding", and "Do I Have To
Give Up Me To Be Loved By God?" Visit her web site for a FREE
Inner Bonding course: http://www.innerbonding.com or
mailto:margaret@...
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