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Spring Forward or Fall Behind
Mark Sichel, LCSW
The changing of the clocks is our ongoing reminder of the two choices
we can make in life. We can either:
SPRING FORWARD or FALL BEHIND
Sometimes, to spring forward, we need to say goodbye to people,
places, or situations. Saying goodbye can be particularly difficult
for recovering addicts, as well as the offspring of any dysfunctional
family. Some examples that we've witnessed that typify problems
saying goodbye:
• The couple who don't want to say goodbye to their romantic
weekend
away and get into a huge fight on the way home to another week of
work and children.
• The mother-of-the-bride who picks fights with her daughter and
future son-in-law prior to their wedding, because it's so hard to say
goodbye to her baby.
• The angry teenager who's fighting hard to say goodbye to
childhood.
• The recovering alcoholic who isolates himself and refuses to
go to
meetings because they hate saying goodbye to their comfortable
drunken selves.
• The therapy patient who flees treatment because it's too
painful
to say goodbye to the therapist.
• The employee who wants to move on, but can't bring himself to
say
goodbye to his job and so gets himself fired.
The topic of saying goodbye brings to mind the lyrics of the popular
song by the Jackson Five, "I Never Can Say Goodbye, No No No!"
Every time I think I've had enough and start heading for the door
There's a very strange vibration piercing me right to the core
It says turn around you fool, you know you love her more and more
Tell me why is it so, don't wanna let you go. I never can say goodbye
girl.
I keep thinking that our problems soon are all gonna work out
But there's that same unhappy feeling, there's that anguish, there's
that doubt
It's that same old dizzy hangup, can't do with you or without
Tell me why is it so, don't wanna let you go. I never can say
goodbye, girl
We all have to contend with varieties of anxiety, but one that we ALL
experience is separation anxiety. All of early infancy is about
separation anxiety. Each time we say goodbye to a person, place or
situation, our separation anxiety kicks in.
Alcoholics and other addicts often grew up with mixed messages about
separation, dependence and independence. Every recovering addict has
their own story regarding convoluted and confusing rules about
separation and independence in their family of origin. Every person
in recovery also has learned a repertoire of dysfunctional and self-
defeating tools for contending with separation anxiety. We can all
think of many instances where it's painful to say goodbye, and when
we are caught in the dilemma from the Jackson 5 song: can't do with
you or without. The problem is that if we get caught up returning to
or thinking about the people, places and things in our pasts, we
cannot grow. We cannot spring forward.
Copyright 2004: Mark Sichel is a psychotherapist, consultant, and
speaker on a broad range of issues related to family, mental health,
and interpersonal problems. He is the editor and principal author of
the award winning self-help website, www.psybersquare.com. For a
more detailed guide to overcoming the panic brought on by
dysfunctional family experiences, read Mark Sichel's new book,
Healing From Family Rifts : Ten Steps to Finding Peace After Being
Cut Off From a Family. For more information about this book visit
the author's website: www.marksichel.com
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