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Helping others Heal on the Manifest Way
Myriam Maytorena
Tell me and I forget; show me and I remember; involve me and I
understand.
- Unknown
Many of us are dealing with friends and family members who have
grown up in dysfunctional homes and relationships. Many in our
world are post-traumatic stress victims of verbal, sexual, and
physical abuse. Our hearts often reach out to these people
wanting to share the healing love that leads to improved
self-esteem.
The greatest loss and greatest pain to carry through life is a
lack of self-esteem, a lack of self-love, a lack of
self-appreciation. Those of us who were victims of this awful
dis-ease and have found healing will feel our hearts sob when we
see another suffering from these pangs of self-doubt and, even,
self-loathing.
Can we make a difference?
How do we make a difference?
How do we become the wounded healers helping those who have not
climbed out of the abyss of self-doubt?
First, we must look at how we healed. What or who made a
difference in our lives? What did that person do that helped us
find a new vision of ourselves as valuable, creative, productive
individuals?
Usually, a wounded person does not hear the good that negates the
learning of the past but is, in fact, tuned into the messages
that perpetuate a negative image. So to directly say to an
individual "you did a great job" or "you are special" usually is
brushed off as not being true or that we are up to something. One
is suspicious of that which does not confirm one's perceived
reality.
This leads us to the most important step in helping others:
Develop trust. Let your real intentions of care and love be
proven through your actions and not your words. It also helps to
keep repeating the words: "Trust Me." This becomes a mantra and
an affirmation that will slowly seep into the unconscious of the
person that you are choosing to help.
Do not start to work with a person who is in this type of
emotional suffering unless you are truly committed for the long
haul. If you are supportive and kind for six months and then run
off after another victim to rescue you will just end up
confirming to the individual that they truly are not lovable and
that the world is not to be trusted.
You can make a difference but it will take time and commitment to
being there along the path as the person learns to make new
choices and create new attitudes about self. Depending upon the
abuse, the age of the individual, and the authenticity of your
actions, this could take quite some time. So realize that healing
relationships may take two years or twenty years. Be aware before
you choose to intervene that you are ready for this experience.
Involve the person in their journey to self-love
Create situations that are progressive in difficulty but choose
in the beginning ones where the person has a limited chance of
failing. Here is the important part. Don't be a "gushy you did
wonderful" reinforcer. Instead, keep it simple and direct and
reinforce the actions not a global you are great. Look for
opportunities when you are in the presence of others to talk
about the individual and explain what a good job they did on a
project and be specific. Do not tell the individual that they did
well. Tell it to the person with whom you are expressing the
quality of your wounded friend's progress.
Don't be afraid to make corrections when an individual does
something incorrectly. If all that you say is peaches and cream
the individual is not going to believe you. To make corrections,
criticism must be presented in a constructive manner that deals
with the actions and not the person. For example, "Helen, I like
the way that you write but I think you might be more effective if
you used shorter sentences." Or, "Jane, do you think that the way
that you made the crust for that apple pie would work in making
the pot pie more flaky?" Then next time the two of you are out
together, casually mention to another friend "Jane is one of the
best bakers that I have ever seen. Her flaky crust made last
nights pot pie unbelievably yummy."
Constant patterns of looking for ways to positively reinforce
increasingly complex behaviors and doing them in front of others
will make a difference over time. Criticism that is targeted
toward an action and not a person and precluded by a positive
statement will make a difference over time.
All people want to do well and please others. Anything else is a
way of protecting self. A person would not have low self-esteem
if the thoughts and beliefs of others were not important. Thus,
your greatest tools are to help heal a friend or loved one of low
self-esteem are:
1. Develop Trust.
2. Create Progressive Tasks that you reinforce in front of other
folks.
3. Use criticism to change behavior that addresses behaviors or
actions and not the individual.
4. Love unconditionally. It will be evident in your interactions.
5. Be aware of the commitment that you are making to help and be
honest about whether or not you can make a long term commitment
and that you are not just inflating your rescuer ego.
You can also help others on a subconscious and spiritual level.
1. When you think of the individual imagine them surrounded by
the golden light of pure love.
2. When you feel hurt by their actions, in your heart forgive
them and forget.
3. Every day in your heart affirm that the individual is better
and better every day in every way.
4. Write a list of everything good about the person and put it in
your love journal.
Remember! Do all with love. Expect no personal reward except the
sharing of love and the satisfaction of seeing a person begin to
walk on the path of healing and love. Each of us can be an earth
angel.
The greatest good you can do for another is not just share your
riches, but reveal to them their own. - Benjamin Disraeli
(1804-1881)
First printed at the Manifest Way at Suite101.com
copyright 2002-2003 Myriam Maytorena. Visit Myriam on line at
http://spiritualodyssey.net or take a look at her book
Spirituality: True Odysseys at
http://arcanamatrix.com/spirituality.htm
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